I feel that the longer I am in this, the harder it gets. I feel that I have finally gotten to know his even better. Sometimes, I wish I could live in a delusional world where everything is just perfect.

I guess it's only in the movies where your other half celebrates your every success and feel happy for you. Is it true that why some women never got married was because men refuses to take in their successes? And is that the reason why women are into their career so much, they ignore their need for love and life?

I wanna be a superwoman and do both. I am, afterall, a woman with dreams. I have the right to dream. Maybe whatever I dream may not be ideal for everyone else in this world but it makes me happy. If it's a golden opportunity for me,I'll take it. Of course with the expense of your wants and needs. But it doesn't mean I will simply put off my responsibility. Other women have done it, yet I am not even given the opportunity to juggle career and love. I was not even given the chance to prove that I am able.

I have plunged through so may shitholes and I wanna make it right for me and my family. Why can't yout just be part of me, by being my pillar of support, the pillar to my successes? Why is it that all my decisions are shunned down?

I think it's all my own doing. I was the one who smeared and talk too much abt the politics that he hated the place. I was the one who gave him the impression of how shitty it is. But actually, it's not too bad once I got the hang of it. But for him, I am in hell and I do not deserve to be in such agony.. It's all my doing.... It's all my fault. I'm trying to undo it but I can't.

We used to think we could always be there for each other if there's love. I hope we could pull through this and be adults in handling this.

It's been awhile. So darn busy with all the school stuffs. There is so much to blog about but I guess I have forgotten all of em. Eid Mubarak to all my Muslim friends celebrating Aidilfitri.

Recently, Atie's mummy passed away. I could sense the devastation and the world crashing down on her. Reading her blog makes my skin crawl n thought abt what it would be like if it was me. I think I would prolly be jumping crazy n crushed... No feelings could describe the feeling of losing someone you love so much, someone you depend on all your life. Her only regret was her mummy not able to see her getting married this December. I could never imagine how.

When Granny got hospitalised, my spine send me the chills. I dunno why but as much as I am irritated, I feel so sorry for her. She used to be so active. She could walk around Orchard Road and shop on her own just prolly 2 years ago. Today, Granny only reminds me how people around me have grown older n that I have too. I'm so delusional for the fact that I feel I am still as young as I am and feel that I have so much I want to do. But it got slower-paced as I venture through n figured why people ard me have changed.

I couldn't agree more for the fact that just 10 minutes of running makes me feel like my lungs are bursting and that I have to rest and sleep. So sedentary. My body is fighting with my young-ish mind. I keep telling myself;I need more exercise, I need to go out more, I need to stay awake for this and that, I need to life weights so that my muscular strength will not deteriorate.... I am so afraid of growing old. I am so afraid of being old, weak n frail. I can only attribute this to my vanity.

Dad's right. Without spiritual sustenance, life would be so empty. It would only be so much if I don't love and tell myself to pray. I lack the discipline to submit. I only have myself to blame.

My neck is aching already. So much marking. Going back to it. Sigh... So much for celebration.

I have so many desires I wish to fulfill in my life as me. But I have to forgo alot of things. I wonder if any of these things I forgo are worth forgoing...

I wanna travel the world, go to places I have read and learnt so much about. Greece and their culture, history... Eqypt for as a child, i was so obsessed with pyramids and the different pharaohs of the different times. The ancient tombs and the process of embalming and mummification. Turkey, Morocco and the Mediterranean... the song, dance, literature... music. I would love to bagpack across Europe, go on board the Euro Express and see what I see in the movies. But I guess that's that for now.

I wanna have a wedding by the beach, but of course, my parents would prolly scream their heads off. Imagine dining and soft music lingering in the background, with the ocean breeze and the calmness of the crashing waves... of so beautiful. Then when the sun sets, we'll have some Incubus "I wish you were here" in the background and guests chilling out by the beach.....

Well, I tot if I couldn't get a beach wedding, then I could prolly get a garden wedding. Still next to nature. What can I say, I love the nature. With a 3-piece lounge band comprising of a female vocals, a pianist and a double bassist or cellist, playing all the romantic love songs. Or maybe just a acoustic session will do. Then the wedding will prolly be surrounded by trees and the lighting would be very soft and dim with guests buzzing and the beautifully decorated lights on the trees and mozzies... hehehe.
I tot the closest I could get to that was Fort Canning.

But I guess all that has to be pushed aside for we dun have enuff finances on the roll. I have to just make do with what I have. But I still want a garden theme. A live band and soft and dim lights. But my poor frens have to travel all the way to the corner of S'pore... Near the gardens, not exactly in the gardens but near the Japanese and Chinese Gardens..... Ah well, it's still a garden......

Sigh. I'm such a dreamer.

Another birthday post. I fell asleep while waiting.... And I felt so sore. I guess my last birthday as a single girl didn't turn out what I wanted it to be. I should've gone out and party hard and rocked the world. But instead, I sat my ass at home and fell asleep. I can't believe why I'm doing this to myself.

It sucks to know that I relied too much on one person to make my world. I should've just plan out on my own and make myself happy. As a perfectionist that I'm supposed to be. If I had planned my own birthday it wd turn out great. Like my previous chalets... Sigh... I will not get to do it anymore. Next year, I will celebrate as a wife. So last yr's was actually my last as a single person.

Let's see if the rest of the day is gonna turn out shitty.

Happy birthday to meeeeee, happy birthday to meeeeeeeee, happy birthday dear Epy... happy birthday to me.......

Its my birthday. But I'm all alone at home while Jo goes out to JB. He msged me happy birthday, but didn't personally call to wish so. Aaaargh, signs of complacency!!!!

But I can't whine as much... Jo spent the day with my family to the Singapore Flyer! His first encounter as the fiance and spending time with my family isn't an easy feat.My family loves to walk... and we walk damn fast. He walked and toiled the rain.. Jo thinks my mom very rugged, walked in the rain without complains at all. Yeah, that's where I got my rugged genes...

I know I should applaud him n give him the credits he deserves, but right now, I'm just sore....

It's my birthday and I cry if I want to, Cry if I want to, Cry if I want to..... You will cry roo if it happens to you!

This

This could have been better,
For I had used a cap to protect my head.
But instead I let my heart open
So they ripped and tear it apart.

This the game they used to play,
Hide your feelings, let it go astray.
Who could fulfill the prophecy of life
If you could walk through it someday.

This could have been brought to shore,
If I hadn'e drifted too far away,
But it seems nothing could bring me back
To where I dream to stay.

This is the story of the life
A life so cool that it breaks the heart
A lesson too evil to swallow in spit
A day so great we will never remember.

Test Your Awareness

Check this out. Hilarious.

Hmmm.... Let's see what my objective of this blog is....

Oh.

Yaaaaaaahhhoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..............................

Ok. That's it.

260708

Updates updates....

Been real busy with Sch's Open House and my cuzzie just got married... Congrats to her!




Week's really tough, but I'm hangin on. I really hope things are gonna get better. Wait a minute, this week's gonna be shitty too. Sigh.

I'm so exhausted.

This is what I get 2 years, 3 months and 29 days later. Weary, irritable, impatient, defenseless and worn out. I'm too lazy to do anything.

Everytime I step into home after a long day at work, I will recoil myself in my depressive mode in the corner of my bed. I would lay still for at least 15 minutes, doing absolutely nothing but thinking and wondering why I have reached that state of unrelenting position. Then, I would think about my next step in life, and would ponder about everything in case something goes wrong. I would think of alternative ways to let out my angst and dejection.

I know I should not expect perfection in every plan and execution. But sometimes I feel that the tests are far too great for a body like mine to handle. As I stay in my coiled position in the corner of my bed, I started to think about all the iniquity I had consummate all the years passed. I dunno what retribution is, but I guess this is prolly it.

It sucks to know that I am going somewhere but nowhere concrete enough to assure myself. I feel downcasted every time I reach the mobile and dial the numbers. Last night, I was prolly the saddest person on earth at that moment when the news was released to me. Why did I bring this on myself? I should not intervene with fate, time and emotional statures. But I tried to take everything in my hands, hoping that things would turn out my way better. I just cannot take the backseat, but instead, succumbed to my itchy ass to interfere with things that have prolly been written.

I should stay outta these kinda conversations. They are my worst enemies. I really need help. Could anyone introduce me to a mental doctor?

Finally! A blogpage I can call my own....

After gruelling attempts to make it personal, I have finally done it... My bro's right, once you get the hang of HTML, it's quite ok. So here it is... Of course, there are rooms for improvements, but this will suffice for now.*wipes away perspiration*

First week done. I almost forgot what it was like having a hectic life. So exhausting. I still haven't picked up my stamina yet. Now that with confirmation, I suddenly feel burdened with so much more responsibilities coming my way... And the week just proved it. Yikes...

I wish I could ramble on the stuffs going on in my workplace, but there is so much that I would be better off writing an autobiography. Speaking of which, Dearie suggested to me to maybe start writing. I was so inspired by Frank McCourt at one time, that I thought I could put my life into paper one day. But considering the amount of time left on my hands, I dunno if it's even possible. Some writers and authors take years to finish up a book... So mine would prolly be like what... 10 years? Oh well. But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna do it. I mean, who knows? I might write a book one day. Get my autograph now.... Hahah.

Well, that would be on my list of things to accomplish in my life.

I'm going to attend a friend's parents anniversary dinner tomorrow. How weird is that? I never thought I would be invited for such occasions. Hmmm... Will update later about it.

My lil bro, Khairi just reminded me of how surreal it was when my Grandpa was around. As a lil girl, I was just my Grandparents' brat. My mom n dad worked during the day so basically my Grandpa or we called him Yaii (Grandpa in Javanese) and Granny took care of me and my bro, Khalil went we were cute lil kids. I was his first Grand-daughter.

Every morning, after subuh, Yaii would go down for a morning walk around the neighbourhood, by himself, and came back with breakfast for us. Yaii never failed to bring back home Tau-Hway (Beancurd with syrup) and hot soyabean milk for both of us. I remembered when we woke up, Granny will shower us and we will wait in anticipation at the steel gates for Yaii to come back. In the afternoon, despite the fact that our parents disallowed us to play at the playground, we will beg Yaii to bring us down. And he held our tiny hands, one left and the other, right and brought us down for us to have a whale of time.

Yaii would take us to the neighbourhood mamak store, where he will stop and chat with his good friend who is mending the stall, and he bought us Yakult to make sure we were preoccupied. I remembered how panicked he became when he lost my lil bro at the coffeeshop. He put me in the corner of the coffeeshop under the watchful eyes of the neighbours and went to search for him. Yeah, he bought me Yakult to keep me occupied.

He would tell us stories of the Communism. At that time, I was a lil girl and what we could decipher was that Communist were 'Bad Soldiers'. So when we played our mini M-16s, one of us will be 'Soldier' and the other 'Communist'. It was a duel of Good vs Evil.

My Grandpa had a lump on his toe. It was round-shaped and as he was kinda dark-skinned, he called it chocolate. He would joked on whether we wanted chocolate and then, grinningly pointed to his toe. And we fell for it everytime.

He religiously watched Japan Hour everyday at 7pm then.

He bought me my first ever Barbie doll. I remembered he wanted to surprise me on my birthday and wouldn't tell me what it was. Me, being a brat, demanded to see it, and took a peek in his drawer... and couldn't keep my delight! I jumped up and down like a monkey, knowing that I have a Barbie doll, just like my classmates were boasting about! It was a sporty looking Barbie doll, with yellow overalls and sports shoe. I decided that my Barbie doll should have short hair just like me so... SNIP! Off went the poor Barbie's hair. My mom was so angry that she told my Yaii not to buy anything for me ever again. But he still did after that....

When he went away, I cried... no I bawled like a baby. I was 10. I couldn't believe that he was gone. I couldn't hug him for the last time. I couldn't visit his grave as he died peacefully at Makkah. I couldn't believe the fact that he is no longer is in my life. For the next few months, everytime I went to his bedroom, I will hug his pillow and cry. Devastated. My Granny will hug me and tell me it was okay. He was the one man who loved me and more importantly, I love him.

Every time someone mentioned about my Grandpa, I would cry. It took me 8 years to swallow the fact and digest it in my system. Sometimes, I felt that it was a good thing he did not live to see his beloved Grand-daughter disappointed him in life.

I'm tearing right now as I typed this entry.

EURO 2008.

The event that kept me wide awake at night. Gives me a reason to wake up later than usual and sleep in the day like a pig too. At least I wun be rambling about how bored I am at night. June hols are coming to an end, wonder if I could keep this up till end of the season. I better do. I subscribed to his wretched Channel 30 for a season pass and it costs me $10.70. Dang.

Some highlights....

Most BORING match: France vs Croatia.
Everyone expected France to pull this. Not only this match ended up goal-less, but there was not enough excitement. This is the first match I fell asleep halfway, woke up and saw the 0-0 on lefthand corner of the screen, dozed off, then, woke up, still seeing the players somewhere in the midfield, playing 'monkey in the middle' with each other... zzzzzz. Anw, Henry wasn't playing.

Most SURPRISING match: Netherlands vs Italy.
Yup, Netherlands whacked once champions and giants Italy. 3-0. Whoa. Who would've expect that? I didn't. Honestly, with alot of Dutch players injured, eg van Persie, I thought it would be the Italians' game. I mean, the Italians have Del Piero and Materrazzi. Van Baston is one happy dude for his last competition.

Most EXCITING match: Spain vs Russia.
Yeah! I'm a supporter of Spain since last Euro and the World Cup. So naturally, I was rooting for them. Russia got England out of Euro during the qualifiers, so I thought it will be really exciting. Russia gave Spain a hell of a time. Guess they were just unlucky. This game kept me at the edge of my seat. Spain's speedy counter-attacks were phenominal! David Villa's first hat-trick in an International game and Fabregas' first Internatonal goal! 4-1! Darling rooted for Russia (he likes to root for the underdogs - last Euro was Greece and Greece won it), so I kinda got f at by him during 2nd half (now he hated the Spaniards). Guess he wun be speaking to me for a while. Poor me. Ah well, I couldn't hide my elation anw. Serves me right. Hehe.

I'm rooting for Portugal as well. Yeah!

Ok, next match is Sweden and Greece. That's a chance for me to drool all over my fav Calvin Klein underwear model, Ljungberg!!!! Heheh....

New Look... but... no archives link!!!

Finally, I managed to change my blogpage design....

However, it was a long grueling process... Choosing a suitable skin for my blogpage is like shopping for a good pair of brassiere.

Choose, try it on, comfy...? Nah.. a bit too bright for me. Maybe less on the trims, or big on colours...

Sigh, after 4 freaking hours, I chose and adjust and trim and do the necessary... I was happy!

Untill....

I realised that the bloody template does not have archives! I want the archives... how do I add it in... I was looking high and low to add in the archives on the HTML, but failed miserably... Do you know how to? HELP!!!!

It gets better

I've gotta say that it's getting better...

At least for the past few days. Honestly, it has been a lil peaceful now. The hols bliss, I guess. Slower paced, although still alot of shit that needs to get cleaned... But I know I can take a lil moretime to do things. I need to get to the beach badly. I am experiencing withdrawal symptoms already. I need to get to a beach. Bintan here I come...

With a fair share of pleasant news from my closest buds, I feel so much more alive. One is expecting a baby, another has tied the knot finally... and we, we have gone one step closer to where we wanted to go. Its a baby step, but it's a marked territory. I have never been so happy for that day, nothing was able to spoil my mood.

Congrats Nun and Hanis... Congrats to me too. Hehe.

Luck and Wonder

Day 1 of the sch hols past by with me indulging myself over markings, epms and other admin stuffs. Got blamed for something I can't control. I dun understand why am I always stuck in a rut in between two hot heads. What luck.

I really wanted to go to the YOG briefing. However, I got a straight "NO" answer, even before I could say anything. Maybe I should talk to Vp abt it. I dunno, I should go and do what I feel is better for me, or rather more beneficial, than going for the sake of going. Right now, i am going for the sake of going. Sigh. What's my next move gonna be?

It's been a silent day without you. I'm now wondering if you are even missing me. Or wonder if I'm fine, alive or healthy? Where are you? How are you doing?

Hectic

I really need to take a break... A well deserving one. Can you imagine I had to cancel my Bintan trip because of work. I must be freakin craaazy.

Need to plan what to do next since June hols are approaching. I need time to reflect, clear my super messed up desk, throw away stuffs from last year, it's gonna be a looong ride.

On a better note, last Sat, STL season comes to an end. We ended up as runner-up in our Open Mixed Cat. COngrats PSRC!!!




Now, back to work... Need to get my portfolio done....

No Bintan

After all that I go through, after all the effort trying to make things work...

I'm not going Bintan.

Yeah, the long anticipated holiday that I have been looking forward to. So much. I wanted to even cry when I got to know of the last minute arrangement. What todo, by now I should know that in where I am right now, I should always be prepared for last minute changes and adhoc stuffs.

Bring me away
I can't stand to stay
Please bring me away
Anywhere but here

My apologies to my Northlanders. I am so sorry to pull out on you guys at the last minute. Slavery calls. And it's truly not my fault as I can't control situations as long as I am here.

Excuse me, where are your manners?

I am astounded today.

Some people simply have no manners. I wouldn't say the lack of. I'd say that it is up to the nill level.

Here I am waiting patiently outside the class, a single glance, and then ignored. Nope, no nods, no smile.

Whoa... I am invisible. 10 minutes past. Should I treat her the same way and just come in without knocking and take over? Nah, wouldn't stoop low to that level.

I just realised that having your Masters make you so high up there that you forgot your simple manners of scknowledgement. Gee.

Untouchable too I guess.

I was wondering what kinda pupils will you be nurturing when you as an educator and role model lack simple gestures to show manners. Stuck up ass.

What's up

Just recovered from post-Contender's blues. Tomorrow will be a day, a truly hectic day. Investiture, followed by Observation, then a whole day of non-stop, no-break... Then Remedial, then night classes... My Mondays are never the same again.

I can't wait for the hols. It's week 6! Yahoooo.... 4 more weeks to go! Then I can rot myself. I'm looking at the nearer picture... There's Labour Day next Thursday, and also we are gonna indulge ourselves in the lifestyle of the rich and famous in Bintan in week 9! That's what I'm talkin about! Can't wait, can't wait(skipping up and down the room)...

I watched Talking Cock the Movie, including the bonus and special editions, including Jo's audition for the interview. I realised that the rest of the goons cept for Leo and Randall got into the movie without auditions and it was because of Jo. I saw his loony auditions. I like what he used to be. Wear sarong in public. He would rather kill himself then to wear sarong in public now. Mellowed, perhaps? Or maybe I made him turn out to be such a boring character he is today. What a negative influence I have on him... So depressing.

I have become a pessimist. I am just looking of ways to escape everything. Sigh. Loser.

My Contender

My favourite Muaythai fighters..... Sean Wright and Dzabar Askerov....

Pregnant Man

I am sick. Caught a temperature last night and I was feeling soooooo weak. Every muscle (and fats) in my body aches. It's like I've been punched several times in my tummy. My throat burns everytime I swallow my saliva.... It's been quite some time I got the FEVER.

Recently, Thomas Beatie, the pregnant man caught my attention. Yeah you heard me right, PREGNANT MAN. I searched for his interview with Oprah on youtube and indulged myself on the story. Initially, I was sick and disgusted plus horrified, but when I learnt that he (Thomas) was a woman before he underwent sex operation to become a man... The pieces fit together. Watching the interview, I keep having to tell myself that he used to be a woman, coz if he is a real man from birth, he certainly have alot of "womanly traits" in him.

I dunno how the world would react to this. Of course, there are sects of people who shunned and slam him down, even the transexual community. In one of the interviews, I remembered one particular person refer to his baby in his womb, a "monster". I can't recall whether it is random or his own father. By the way, Thomas Beatie's pan-Asian. Half-half. So is his sexuality now.
LOL.

Confused? Watch this vid.

Warning, only if you are open enough to bisexual affinity. Otherwise, YOU WILL be sick.

MARATHON

After the weeks saga of over-protective parents, office pricks and bossy bosses, I still have to deal with my own personal strain. I have been swept with different kinds of overwhelming emotions, and God help me, I feel like sometimes I'm not cut for this shit.

I love to see the kids in the eyes and tell them how well they have done or bring them to realise that you cannot be doing this as it will hurt other people. But adults? It'll take them eon years and I dun think it will do anyone much justice. The first time in my life, I dreaded waking up in the morning for a brand new day. I have become so pessimistic. I hated walking through the 'Gates of Hell', knowing that whatever I do, there will be a satan lurking behind me and trying to stab me with their blunt pitchforks. It's a scary experience.

So what does it do for me? Personally, I am trying to make myself feel better. I try to be mentally strong and not let emotions get in the way. My motto for the year will be:

I'M JUST RUNNING A MARATHON.

Endurance. Mental endurance more than anything physical.

Rat Year

A colleague told me of how the year of the rat is a bad year for the Roosters like me. Bad Fengshui... Kinda figured.

This is one hell of a year for me. I dunno if things will take a turn on the tide, but I really prayed that it will.... Else I'll go bonkers soon.

Confrontational

This must be DA week....

So many shit things happen in the week. I reckoned it's not exactly what I would wish for the start of a new year.....

I went home almost 6.30 everyday... So many admin stuffs. Even the newbies were overwhelmed by the amt of work we are having rite now.

A parent aggressively complained about her daughter, the new filipino girl in my class, abt being bulied. I was shocked to hear of such. She insisted on meeting up with the parent of the other girl and settle it face to face. I was trying to calm her dowm but she got even more aggressive and wanted to come down to school to show my p and I, the 'fresh scratched wound'. After discussing with vp, I tot I could talked it out to her again but she insisted to come down to school. So I told vp to call her instead.The worse of all, the girl who bullied her daughter, her parent is a teacher from another school and I met him during pslemarking......

I called up the other girl, hoping to hear her side of the story. She said it was accidental. I told her mom abt what happened and luckily for me, she was quite nice.

The next day, vp confronted both girls and the story got confusing. They said they were only playing... Both girls do not blame each other. In fact they were giggling already. But later after school, the parents came down and kick up a huge fuss again. I can understand their concern and they made me and vp promise to not let anything happened to their daughter again.

I was just amazed how the children could easily forgive and forget, but adults are just plain bitter. Both the girls were seen playing after that.

But my vp considered the case as bullying coz the girl did use abusive language such as 'stupid', 'slow' and so on. So I have to raise a discipline case. Which is stupid. Under the SOPs, I have to send the poor girl to detention and counselling. I talked to the dad causually later in the evening and he said something along the lines of writing a letter to the school explaining her daughter's behavior and apologize. I told him it isnt necessary, but be prepared for some discipline action. That means more paperwork for me.

I still dun see why she shd be going counselling. The girls have both forgiven each other. But the damn shithole just want everything to look nice and proper on paper. To have proper documentation so that when comes to audit, it would not look so bad. It's all abt saving face. That's how adults do it.

The kids just forgive and forget. They will run around together again after saying sorry.