I feel that the longer I am in this, the harder it gets. I feel that I have finally gotten to know his even better. Sometimes, I wish I could live in a delusional world where everything is just perfect.

I guess it's only in the movies where your other half celebrates your every success and feel happy for you. Is it true that why some women never got married was because men refuses to take in their successes? And is that the reason why women are into their career so much, they ignore their need for love and life?

I wanna be a superwoman and do both. I am, afterall, a woman with dreams. I have the right to dream. Maybe whatever I dream may not be ideal for everyone else in this world but it makes me happy. If it's a golden opportunity for me,I'll take it. Of course with the expense of your wants and needs. But it doesn't mean I will simply put off my responsibility. Other women have done it, yet I am not even given the opportunity to juggle career and love. I was not even given the chance to prove that I am able.

I have plunged through so may shitholes and I wanna make it right for me and my family. Why can't yout just be part of me, by being my pillar of support, the pillar to my successes? Why is it that all my decisions are shunned down?

I think it's all my own doing. I was the one who smeared and talk too much abt the politics that he hated the place. I was the one who gave him the impression of how shitty it is. But actually, it's not too bad once I got the hang of it. But for him, I am in hell and I do not deserve to be in such agony.. It's all my doing.... It's all my fault. I'm trying to undo it but I can't.

We used to think we could always be there for each other if there's love. I hope we could pull through this and be adults in handling this.

It's been awhile. So darn busy with all the school stuffs. There is so much to blog about but I guess I have forgotten all of em. Eid Mubarak to all my Muslim friends celebrating Aidilfitri.

Recently, Atie's mummy passed away. I could sense the devastation and the world crashing down on her. Reading her blog makes my skin crawl n thought abt what it would be like if it was me. I think I would prolly be jumping crazy n crushed... No feelings could describe the feeling of losing someone you love so much, someone you depend on all your life. Her only regret was her mummy not able to see her getting married this December. I could never imagine how.

When Granny got hospitalised, my spine send me the chills. I dunno why but as much as I am irritated, I feel so sorry for her. She used to be so active. She could walk around Orchard Road and shop on her own just prolly 2 years ago. Today, Granny only reminds me how people around me have grown older n that I have too. I'm so delusional for the fact that I feel I am still as young as I am and feel that I have so much I want to do. But it got slower-paced as I venture through n figured why people ard me have changed.

I couldn't agree more for the fact that just 10 minutes of running makes me feel like my lungs are bursting and that I have to rest and sleep. So sedentary. My body is fighting with my young-ish mind. I keep telling myself;I need more exercise, I need to go out more, I need to stay awake for this and that, I need to life weights so that my muscular strength will not deteriorate.... I am so afraid of growing old. I am so afraid of being old, weak n frail. I can only attribute this to my vanity.

Dad's right. Without spiritual sustenance, life would be so empty. It would only be so much if I don't love and tell myself to pray. I lack the discipline to submit. I only have myself to blame.

My neck is aching already. So much marking. Going back to it. Sigh... So much for celebration.